Fr Megson 

         The Sun Has Got Its Hoodie On....

A Chairde,

Dark teatimes of the soul for everyone down at the rarely sunlit Stadium of Murk as Fr Megson battles to persuade his team that there is still life after their cruel banishment from t'Cup.  The Holy Grail of becoming the first team ever to finish second best in t'Cup for four years running has been cruelly dashed from their puckered lips and not even the outside chance of displaying the treasured Plate on their kitchen dresser can dull the pain.

A pain that gnaws away at Roisin more than most.  After a heated exchange last week she stormed out of Fr Megson's office tearing up her contract and announcing to a stunned taproom that she intended taking a five year sabbatical to go off and retrace James Elroy Flecker's poetic footsteps to Golden Samarkand.  After feverish preparation she duly set off on this epic trek last Friday.  Unfortunately she was forced to abandon the expedition shortly after Parrswood when she got an urgent text from her family saying that she had left the oven on and could she come back and sort it out.

She has since taken to her room armed only with a crate of Becks and a copy of Hesse's THE GLASS BEAD GAME.  We can but hope that the utter futility of this book (and the fact that her room is not en suite) will persuade her that playing in the Plate is not quite the most undignified way of obtaining oblivion.

Having given up the Herculean task of trying to motivate his team - a phrase that many of you who follow football in East Manchester will be familiar with - Fr Megson was forced into spending some time answering his fan mail.  Apart from the usual paternity suits and death threats there was one other letter of interest.  It came from Colinski, a well hung meat purveyor from Moldova. Colinski writes:

"As you all know I have been sent here by Her Majesty's Government and Jitka on a 25 year tour of duty.  I cannot divulge exactly what it is I am doing over here as it involves industrial espionage and various other bits of political jiggery-pokery.....actually, could you excise that bit if you publish my letter on the website.  Thanks ever so much.

I rarely get the chance these days to tune into your excellent Withquiz website.  I believe this has something to do with Moldova being the only European country to opt for the long wave Betamax broadband option but I am not an expert in such matters.  Anyway, the kids were off school a few weeks ago so I was able to get a bus into work and peruse the foreign laptop before the boss woke up.

I was delighted to read the e-mail from Ms Dusty.  I found it stimulating both intellectually and otherwise.  She is obviously a very remarkable woman with her finger firmly on the pulse of the Zeitgeist....whatever that is.  A nation needs to feel the steely touch of a woman's finger on its pulse, none more so than present day Moldova.  We do have many strong and able women in our society but, to date, the government only allows them entry into the Civil Service via the public toilet attendants (level 1) route.  Obviously these positions do have their limitations and I would not advocate that Ms Dusty should apply for Moldovan citizenship just yet.

I was however wondering if Ms Dusty was 'spoken for'.  If not, could I presume to ask her if she might care to join me for a spot of speed dating (I would of course be delighted to refund half her train fare).  I normally fulfil my speed dating obligations - like national Service it is compulsory over here - on a Saturday night between the hours of 20:45 and 21:00.  This gets me back to my flat in good time for Moldovan Match of The Day which is one of our cultural highlights, the other one being a form of Polo which is played on donkey-back.  The entire nation is still in a frenzy of excitement after last week's programme which dedicated itself exclusively to extended highlights of the 1968 Wembley Cup Final between WBA and Everton.  The Baggies became national heroes here after a late winning goal was scored by the backside of the late Jeff Astle.  Unfortunately the goal came too late in the game to be included in the highlights as the Moldovan TV State Service is very short of lignite and must by law show the epilogue and National Anthem before closedown at 22:15.  Even events of national significance such as Presidential assassinations, political show trials and the Eurovision Song Contest are subject to this rule.  Everybody here hopes that one day we will join the European Union and then Moldovan men and women will have equal rights and enough lignite to watch football and films like DANISH DENTIST ON THE JOB until well after midnight.

I will have to stop writing shortly as my tallow is beginning to harden.  Could I ask Fr Megson to send me a photograph of The Stadium of Murk.  Many people here claim that our National Parliament building is based on an original blueprint for the construction of your pub which was found by Moldovan spies on the body of the architect shortly after it was cut down from a lamppost in Ladybarn in the bad old '30s.  I would like to test the veracity of these claims.

Please send me also a signed snapshot of Fr Megson.

Most Moldovans think that you probably look like the backside of the late Jeff Astle but with an even funnier accent.  For my part, I frequently and fondly conjure you up as a youthful Didier Drogba only with less hair and perhaps a little pinker in complexion.  Am I hot or cold?

Slanski,

Colinski

P.S. Could you tell your Turf Accountant friend that I wish to place a 5 rouble bet on WBA winning the 1969 European Cup Winners Cup - the late Jeff Astle to score the winner in extra time?

Also could you check with Didsbury library to see if that book HOW TO SABOTAGE A LIGNITE MINE is available yet?  I reserved it ages ago.

Fr M