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The
Getaways - Mad, bad and unlikely to Know
Several of our listeners gleefully hurled buckets of night
soil into the WithQuiz studios last Wednesday night in
protest at the outsourcing of the first quizset of the
season to a bunch of unknowns called the Getaways. The
Bishop of Bath without Wells points out, however, that many
of the Getaways have in fact played several games in our
Quiz league in various guises, albeit under cover of
darkness. Indeed he can recall one famous occasion
when they actually came away with both points after four
players from the opposition, Amboß, had been sent off for
substance abuse in the first half.
Getaway Richard (back row, centre) cheerfully gives bitter
rivals, the Napier Girls, some useful advice on how to
identify landlocked countries
Anyway, for the benefit of any of you too young or too
inebriated to remember meeting them, here are some brief pen
pictures of four of them - not the brainiest four, I admit,
but perhaps the four that would be best avoided on a dark
night in Parrswood.
CLIVE
in
1946 Woman’s Realm predicted that young Clive would
be "bigger than Mrs Miniver" - but then his mum
splashed out the best part of a tanner to have his golden
tresses lopped off and he disappeared forever from the
women's problem page. Later he announced that he wished to
become a thespian. This turned out to be nothing more
than an unfortunate typographical error, though he did
receive rave reviews for his performance in the 1962 Gorton
library production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream.
In the
Observer Kenneth Tynan noted that he had been greatly
touched by Clive's Bottom, and that he looked forward to
seeing it run and run in London's West End. It is perhaps
this incident that Tynan had in mind when he went on to
utter the first four-letter word ever broadcast on the BBC.
In his heyday Clive was very much the Lord Byron of the quiz
world - mad, bad and unlikely to know. Today he lives
quietly in a two bedroom chateau on the banks of the Mersey
where he cultivates award-winning marrows, his memories and
a growing sense of worldly ennui.
MARK
The
only member of the team to have been given the name Stibium
at birth, he renounced this title after his first day at
primary school when he came home still friendless. In
retaliation his parents barred him from using the name
Bassett and from spending any of the sizeable family fortune
accrued from their liquorice mines in Uruguay. In
retaliation against their retaliation he announced that he
was going to his room. Furthermore, he would henceforth be
known as Mark and would never grow up. True to his word he
still plays quizzes with the boyish enthusiasm of a 12 year
old. Mark adds:
“I
love quizzes. Quizzes are brill. I could spend all night
playing quizzes. Sometimes I do spend all night
playing quizzes. It's brill! I hate people wot
hate quizzes. Especially people wot hate quizzes just ‘cos
they don't know nothing. I don't never give up even
when I don't know nothing. I remember one night they
asked me a stinker. Name the capital of Belgium?
Obviously I hadn't a clue ‘cos I wasn't even born in
bleedin' Belgium but I gave it a go anyway. Using my
skill and judgment I went for Tintinville. It was
wrong…..but only just. I wasn't put off. I guessed and
guessed. and then on guess number 54 - bingo! I'll
never forget that moment of epiphany. It came just as the
opposition were on their final question of the evening
which was ‘Which city is renowned for its flavoursome
sprouts’ and I said ‘is it perhaps Brussels?’. We
lost narrowly by one point that evening and nobody spoke
to me for the rest of the season. but I still love
quizzes. I think quizzes are brill. PS I think
Curb Your Enthusiasm is a very silly name for a TV
programme.”
DAVE
Today
Dave is an icon of the quiz world and is freely available
on desktops all over Ladybarn - but in the early days he was
largely unknown. Then, in a last ditch effort to revive his
career, he turned to TV and became the first seven year old
to win a million guineas (a sizeable sum in those days) and
a Meccano set on Junior Criss Cross Quiz. Shortly
after that he was persuaded to turn professional and the
rest is history.
Despite his stardom Dave remains as unassuming as ever.
Indeed, if it wasn't for his distinctive vocal chords
(which helped him pick up an Olympic bronze in the Men's
Boom in Helsinki in 1952) and his tactile habit of
bear hugging everyone within a forty yard radius (he was
once mistakenly yellow-carded for heavy petting with the
opposition) you would hardly know that he was in the room.
In 2005 he broke Pope John Paul's world record for shaking
hands with the most people on their way back from the
toilet.
Today
Dave eschews the razzamatazz of TV quiz shows and divides
his time between leafy Ladybarn and the taproom of the Red
Lion where he does regular Harry Belafonte tribute evenings.
In his spare time he likes listening to music ("anything by
Rambling Sid Rumpole really") and watching ladyboys play
football. He hopes one day to be rich enough to buy Man
City FC and to steer them to their rightful place in the
Beswick and District B Division League.
RICHARD
(extracts from a recent interview first published in the
Guardian Weekend Magazine)
Q: Full name?
A: Richard Brinsley Sheridan Schwarz.
Q: Really?
A: No.
Q: Which living person do you most admire?
A:
Mike Bath.
Q:
Really?
A: No.
Q:
Who would you like to share your desert island with, Paris
Hilton
or
Simone de Beauvoir?
A:
Angelika Merkel.
Q: Really?
A: No. Let's cut the crap ok? Why isn't Bjork on this
menu? I saw
her once, you know, in Iceland. She was buying fish
fingers and so was I. It's nice to have things in
common.
Q:
Who is your favourite playwright?
A: ..........(long
pause).................................Pinto.
Q:
Don't you mean Pinter?
A:
................(long menacing
pause)............maybe................why
must
you always contradict me?...........(very menacing
pause.)............Merde!.................
Q: If
you could only have one wish, what would you wish for?
A: A monkey's paw.
Q: Really? Why a monkey's paw?
A: Don't know. I suppose I had to say something and a
monkey's
paw just sort of floated through the ether...you can have it
back if it's that important. But really, you shouldn't
promise things and then take them back. It's very
hurtful. How can I trust you in future. Bjork would
never do that.
Q:
This interview isn't really going very well, is it?
A:
Don't know. Anyway you're the one that keeps asking the
questions about sex. Why can't you just let me walk my
dog in peace?
Q:
Don't you start asking me questions, buster. I'm the
bleedin'
journalist around here. If you want to start asking
questions why don't you just pi** off back to your
little boys' quiz league?
A:
You're very feisty aren't you? I like that. It's how
I imagine Bjork
would
be. How's about if we lose the dog and then maybe I
can walk you back to your place? You can call me
Brinsley if you want.
Q:
....(pulse racing but trying to sound calm).....really?
A: No.
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