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The Great
Ladybarn Charabanc Crash
A Chairde,
The January window may be
open but it remains Darkness at Noon at the troubled Stadium
of Murk.
Last week's defeat at the
hands of arch-villains - sorry, arch-rivals - SPW, may be
the final nail in the coffin for a beleaguered and
bewhiskered Fr. Megson.
Never one to take things
lying down (apart from that embarrassing incident with the
strippagram dressed as St Bridget in the Vespers club for
gentleman priests last February), Fr Megson remains ashen
faced but unbowed.
"This is WITHQUIZ and not
the Premiership", he reminded a hastily convened press
conference, "so we have to be realistic."
Sean, the convivial bar
steward at the Stadium of Murk has made it clear that the
January window will only be opened over his dead body.
"And not just MY dead
body", he added, brandishing his crowbar in a playful
fashion, "I'll take the fcekin' lot of youse with me.
It's perishin' brass monkeys in here already and if the
winda is open I'll have the poxy beggars from environmental
health down here askin' me to light the fire.....not to
mention hordes of urchins from the Didsbury sink estates
comin' through the open winda tryin' to steal my priceless
plastic tables from the big room......now fcek off the lot
of youse while I'm still in a good mood."
Sean's intransigence (my
word, not his) may lead to yet another trophyless season for
the Charabancs. And yet things had looked so promising
only a few short weeks ago. So, is there any truth in
the rumours that Fr Megson has lost the dressing room?
"What a load of bollix",
he waxed lyrically, "though I admit I briefly lost the
downstairs loo on New Year's Eve. No, I think
Christmas came too early this season, We were on a roll.
Second in the league and in the semi finals of the
Transviaduct Cup. Marvellous. Then the festive
season arrived and with it, a lack of discipline on the
training ground. Suddenly nobody was interested in evenings
of yomping around Fog Lane park with a sheep and a Thesaurus
under each arm, chanting Bob Dylan lyrics. The allure
of late night shoplifting in Discount Booze proved too
great.
"Then one of our recent
signings crashed his brand new skateboard (thought to have
cost in the region of £22.50) into the window of Axons the
butchers. Luckily he was wearing his crampons at the
time and he landed on his head so no permanent damage was
done to his quizzing faculties. However, by the time
the emergency services arrived to drag him him out he had
become addicted to cold turkey. We are slowly but surely
weaning him off this dependency and he is expected to be
back to his erratic best well before Easter, though finding
enough heroin for his medication is taxing our resources.
It is a sad reminder of how bad the credit crunch is for
everybody (except Gordon Brown and Robert Peston, of course)
when even the big players in the market such as The Stadium
of Murk are unable to meet the client's needs."
So saying Fr Megson bade
farewell to his pre-season hopes and resigned himself and
his flock to mixing it in March with those hopeless History
beggars down in the nether regions of the Withquiz table.
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