"Yes I was quite nervous
at first", admitted Mr Dover (52 - that's only his age by
the way, so don't panic).
"I've been on hundreds of
websites before but this was the first time I had able to
keep my clothes on. It was a bit awkward at
rehearsals. I didn't know what do do with my hands and
my bits and bobs. I was also a bit worried that the
audience might think that the question I appeared in wasn't
hard enough but thankfully it was all right on the night, as
they say.
"It's never easy
performing in front of strangers - and you've got a lot of
strange people in Withquiz - so I was glad to recognise The
Men They Couldn't Hang. I bump into them most weeks at
auditions. They haven't quite made it into any of my films
yet which is a shame because they have got loads of
potential. They tend to go at it hammer and tongs at
the beginning most weeks but unfortunately they can never
quite manage to keep it up until the end. Keep
plugging away lads, and give it another four or five years,
I feel sure you'll find success eventually.
" It was also nice to
have my old friend, Fr Megson, hovering around in the
studio. It was him that first got me into porn back in
the old seminary days. We were always short of money
for the tuck shop so Meggers suggested that we send our
piccies off to Soho. Paul Raymond was very impressed
and he got us published in Playpriest. From
there we got some small parts in various theologically
erotic films that were all the rage in the '70s. Stuff
like Come Pray with Me and Danish Deacon on the
Job. Then things really took off when we auditioned for
the ground breaking and lucrative Confessions series.
My agent persuaded me to change my name from Ben Mablethorpe
to Ben Dover and for some reason, which even to this day I
can't fathom, my career really took off after this
trivial adjustment.
"Unfortunately the wheels
started to come off "Tich" Megson's porn career around this
time. For reasons best left unexplained, he couldn't find
an agent who was willing to handle him. Then his coach
took him aside after five-aside training one day, placed a
paternal arm round his groin and told him that he would
never measure up to being a professional porn star. To
add to his woes, his mother wrote him a blistering letter
which I think spelled the beginning of the end:
'Dear Megson junior', she
penned, 'me and the neighbours went to see the matinee
performance of yer new fillum in the Reeks Rex last Monday
and I didn't know where to look. It wasn't the prancin'
around in the buff like demented eejits that mortified me -
God knows, we've all done our fair share of that sort of
thing at various weddings and wakes over the years - no, me
boyo, what really pierced my heart was seeing my own flesh
and blood up there on the silver screen gabbing away nine to
the dozen and him with his mouth stuffed full. Is that
the kind of thanks you give your poor oul' Ma after her
giving up the best years of her life to teach you impeccable
table manners.
I've talked it over with
the parish priest and we both agree - stop making them
filthy fillums NOW or ye'll end up doing your own laundry.
Your lovin' mammy,
Mammy.'
"He became a changed man
after that, making a solemn vow at his ordination in Rome
that he would never take his clothes off in public again
unless it was integral to the plot. He did try to make a
comeback as a serious director a few years ago but I believe
his Bergman-inspired trilogy Fully Clothed Confessions of
a Celibate Priest of a Winter's Evening drew very mixed
reviews and sporadic outbursts of one hand (and paw)
clapping from an audience of specially invited shepherds and
sheep dogs in the Reeks Rex. It was very popular in
the Cornerhouse though.
Yours etc, BD"
