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Another
blast from the past. This piece was published on the
website on April 28th 2005 when, it seems, a General
Election was looming:
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Wrestling with my
conscience - and the cat
The other evening after work
I was wrestling with the cat for squatting rights on the sofa when Danny,
my stepson, burst in and demanded to know who I would be voting for in the
General Election.
"What General
Election?" I started to ask before realising that, as the founding member
of an esteemed quiz team, I shouldn't really have to confer on a question
like this.
"Labour," I muttered
enthusiastically.
"But you don't even like
Tony Blair", protested Danny.
"Yes, there is that", I
conceded, "but I don't like anybody else either and anyway I'm a natural
born Socialist so it would be class treason not to vote for Labour like
wot I've always done....
"Yes, Danny, I know that
Labour is no longer a Socialist party but you are missing the point.
No Danny, I'm not losing my temper, but Jesus wept, you're doing bloody
politics for bloody 'A' levels so the least I expect is that you might be
intelligent enough to follow the cogency of my superior argument? Now go
away and practice your iPod 'cos I'm busy trying to listen to THE ARCHERS.
And it wouldn't do YOU any harm to listen to intelligent worthwhile
programmes once in a while".
Danny's a good lad really
but, like most young people today, he refuses to grasp the complexities of
being a tired old git.
Many hours later when I woke
up (with the cat snoozing contentedly on my chest), I got to thinking.
Maybe I should vote for somebody else. But who? The Greens sound
like a nice bunch but they might feel inclined to put a tax on
unreconstructed neanderthals like me whose idea of a nice dinner is steak
and chips with lots of salt and hold the salad.
The BNP are running, as well
I know, 'cos I saw their Party Political Broadcast the other evening.
I hadn't meant to watch it but I was sleeping with the cat on the sofa and
it was on when I woke up. They seem very sweet and caring.
They were singing a lovely English folksong à la Ralph McTell all about a
misunderstood young lad who was forced to become a nutter on the streets
of London 'cos when he was off fighting those racist Argies loads of gay
black Albanians with turbans and Irish accents took over his bedroom and
brutalised his teddy bear. I felt very sorry for the nutter and for
his teddy but all the same......I'd be worried that they were only
pretending to be sweet and caring and when they finally got into power
they might start shooting everybody that wasn't born in Basingstoke.
I was getting desperate now.
What about Charlie Kennedy? Seems like a nice bloke. He looks
reassuringly like a human wreck and he's got an accent that baffles
Sassenachs so we would have a lot in common. And yet..... Lib
Dem.... doesn't sound very macho does it? Not the type of party that
could take care of itself if it got into a fracas outside the Pack Horse
in Levenshulme on a Saturday night. Nah, sorry Chas.
Then I leapt up with a
brainwave (much to the annoyance of the cat). Why shouldn't WITHQUIZ
put forward its own candidate? I would be prepared to nominate
Mike Bath for P.M. if any of you lot would second him. I really
think he would appeal to the Great British public. He's clever but
not too clever. He's good at communicating - he's got his own website for
Chrissakes! He's about the right age - not baby-faced like that
Hague tosser a few years ago but not as old as the Pope either. And
he looks nice and avuncular. I think he would look ever so wholesome
kissing babies and pets. Though we would probably have to airbrush
out the pint of beer and the packet of pork scratchings if we want the
pictures to appear on the front page of The Guardian.
We'll need a name of course.
The Bath'ist Party sounds good but I think it has been used before by a
friend of George Galloway's. The Liberal Opsimaths has got a nice
ring to it but we don't want to alienate the large percentage of the
electorate who don't own a dictionary. The Friends of the Electric
Pigs Party? You're being fcekin' stupid now.
I'm not very good at
manifestos. Perhaps Ivor could run us one up when he gets back from
the pub. Keep it simple Ivor. Something along the lines of:
"If elected we promise
to get rid of the rat race. We will achieve this by forcing all the
successful people in British society to take all society's losers out
every Wednesday evening and buy them a pint."
Yes, I know it sounds a bit
too much like ragged-trousered Socialism but it might just work.
And at least we would finally be spared the excruciating embarrassment of
having to don a bloody red nose every time we feel like helping those
worse off than ourselves.
Sheamus McGuevara
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